pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Is Oprah even human
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
