He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
