Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
