I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
