mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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