I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
