After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
