...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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