Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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