True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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