I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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