girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
