You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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