I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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