my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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