words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize