What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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