i just wanna soil my oats bro
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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