I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
