I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
