good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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