I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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