sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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