you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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