I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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