So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
