Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
