I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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