i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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