I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
