We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
