so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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