I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
