he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I need to calm my uterus...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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