May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
