Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
They have beer where we have blood.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize