We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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