Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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