Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
