If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
