VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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