I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
