Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
