rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
