I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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