why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
