Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
