She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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