Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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