having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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