So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
