just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
