Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
