somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
