JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I need a beard to bite.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
