And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
