I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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