I think I won the penis lottery.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Someone came in the potted fern
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
