I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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