First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
