He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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